CREATING AGREEMENTS THAT WORK
6-Minute Read
At both work and home, it is very common to have complaints and frustrations in relationships. What’s not so common, however, is understanding that the reason most complaints and frustrations in relationships exist is because effective agreements don’t. When effective agreements are missing, complaints and frustrations flourish.
To remedy complaints and frustrations in your everyday relationships, you must create what’s missing—effective agreements.
Today we’ll show you a simple format for CREATING AGREEMENTS THAT WORK through three critical steps. Additionally, we’ll integrate these steps into a natural conversation to give you a practical example of what’s possible for your own relationships.
Agreements are just as useful at home as at work. Once you get a sense for how to put effective agreements together, you’ll want to make agreements in every relationship that matters to you.
Let’s dive in!
AGREEMENTS THAT WORK: THREE STEPS
1. THE SPECIFIC REQUEST
The first step for creating agreements that work is to make a specific request. Requests move life forward because they create the possibility for new or different outcomes. Unfortunately, making specific requests has become a rare skill. Whether you think requests are unnecessary or that you “shouldn’t have to ask,” notice how unworkable your relationships become when you don’t make them. Failing to make specific requests is the breeding ground from which complaints and frustrations initially emerge.
A specific request will state that you’d like to make an agreement with another person and will identify what you would like for them to start/stop doing or to do differently. The request could also focus on what you will start/stop doing or will do differently.
Consider these additional details and include them in your request when relevant:
By whom? To whom?
By when (date & time)?
How much?
In what format?
In what state of completion or thoroughness?
Here’s an example of the vague and relative language that is often employed around the office:
“Weekly reports are due Thursdays.”
Ambiguous language like this fails to identify important details that matter to the results. Compare that to what’s possible with a specific request:
“I’d like to make an agreement with you regarding the weekly report. I’d like you to have it completed and emailed to me by 3:00PM every Thursday.”
The language is concrete and clear. It reduces misunderstanding and increases performance. You’ll see a lot more of this concrete language in our final example later.
This principle of being specific applies not only to your request but also to whatever terms of the agreement you establish in Step 2, Collaboration.
2. THE COLLABORATION
The second step for creating agreements that work is to co-create them. This is where the other party responds to your request with some form of yes, no, maybe, or that depends. This is a natural conversation to intentionally tailor an experience that works for both the Requestor and the Requestee.
I cannot stress this enough: people WANT to fulfill on the agreements that they have freely chosen to make. It is to your benefit, as the Requestor, to create an agreement where the Requestee takes ownership of its fulfillment as co-creator.
Once you have made your request, there are several questions you can use in this step of collaboration to co-create and fine-tune the agreement you’re proposing:
How does that work for you?
What would work instead? What can you do?
What do you mean by _______?
What do you need from me to get it done?
What, if anything, would prevent or delay you from keeping this agreement?
What questions do you have about your part or mine?
What’s your understanding of what we’re agreeing to? What did you hear me ask of you?
Are we agreed? Do we have an agreement?
As much as possible, make requests and collaborate on the details in real-time conversations; face-to-face or voice-to-voice. All in, most everyday agreements can be established in two to five minutes and, with practice, under one minute.
This capability to collaborate on agreements is a defining characteristic of highly effective leaders. It distinguishes between leaders that truly delegate responsibility from those that merely dump and offload tasks.
“Most complaints and frustrations in relationships exist because effective agreements don’t.”
3. THE CONTINGENCY AGREEMENTS
The third and final step for creating agreements that work is the key differentiator between an impotent agreement and a powerful one: make contingency agreements regarding the agreement. What will happen in the face of unforeseeable events that impact the agreement? How will you handle unexpected delays? What will happen if one of you doesn’t honor the agreement? By deciding and agreeing up front as to how these situations will be handled, you exponentially increase the probability of achieving your desired outcomes.
Use the following as a guide for establishing contingency agreements:
I’d like to make an agreement that if something unforeseeable gets in your way, you will contact me directly (face to face or by phone call, not by email or text) as soon as you become aware of it so that we can work through it together or make other arrangements. Does that work for you?
If I do not hold up my end of the agreement, what do you need from me materially to make up for it?
If you do not hold up your end of the agreement, what will you do materially to make up for it?
This is what I am prepared to do materially to make up for not honoring the agreement. Does that work for you?
This is what I need you to do materially to make up for not honoring the agreement. Does that work for you?
One of the contingency agreements I make with every coaching client is that if they cancel an appointment with less than 24 hours’ notice (except for medical emergency) they lose that session (it’s prepaid). And if I cancel with less than 24 hours’ notice (except for medical emergency), we reschedule the missed session as soon as possible and I give them an additional session at no charge.
Late cancellations almost never happen, and on the very rare occasion that one does, there is no weeping and gnashing of teeth, no surprise in what happens next. We each know the cost and have already committed to paying it to keep our agreement with one another.
It is important to point out that making agreements does not mean you are leaving every aspect of the agreement open to negotiation. Depending on the relationship and the nature of the request, there may be portions of your agreement that are non-negotiable, such as a project deadline or requirements in personal or professional conduct.
When that’s the case, being clear about the non-negotiable’s upfront allows the other party to say yes and proceed or say no and accept the consequences of NOT making an agreement. That may mean you don’t do business with someone, or an employee opts out of a promotion, or you stop spending time with a particular friend or family member.
I’ve had several prospective clients that I’ve declined to work with simply because they would not commit to showing up to our appointment at the agreed upon time due to their fluctuating schedule. Honoring appointments is non-negotiable for me, so I tell them, “Great. I hear that you want to keep your schedule flexible, and that doesn’t work for me at all. So that just means that you and I will not be working together.”
Now let’s put The Specific Request, The Collaboration, and The Contingency Agreements together into a conversation for creating an agreement that works. And remember, agreements are just as useful at home as at the office; read the following example from work with that in mind.
CONVERSATIONAL AGREEMENT AT WORK
Scenario: Joe was recently promoted to manager at Small Business X and has since been arriving to work 30-45 minutes late most days of the week. It so happens that the company has a rigid policy for adherence to business hours. Joe’s boss, the owner, recognizes that Joe always gets his work done but is growing frustrated at Joe’s apparent disregard for being on time to work.
THE SPECIFIC REQUEST
Employer: “Joe, I’d like to make an agreement with you regarding the time you show up at the office. You’ve been here for two years and know that we require everyone, including you as a manager and me as the owner, to be in the office by 9AM for the opening of business. My request is that you be here M-F by 9AM.”
THE COLLABORATION
Employer: “How does that work for you?”
Joe: “I’d like to guarantee that I’ll be here by 9AM every day, but I’m running into an issue. I’m having a hard time managing our staff AND responding to all the email I’m responsible for. Once I get to work, my time is consumed with staff non-stop. So I started working on email at home in the morning before I come in. I don’t mind starting early, but the work often bleeds over into my commute time in order to finish. I assumed my late arrival wasn’t a big deal since you could see from my emails that I was working.
Employer: “Ah, I see the conflict. I appreciate your commitment to handling both email communication and supporting your team, and I’d like to make an adjustment there. I’d like you to do your work at the office rather than work at home. So, what needs to change here for you to both arrive by 9AM AND handle your email?”
Joe: “I see a couple of options: 1) I could arrive by 8:00AM to answer email before my staff arrive, or 2) I could block off “do not disturb” time on my schedule and keep my door closed to interruptions.”
Employer: “Both of those work great for me. Do you want to do one or the other, or both?
Joe: “Let’s start with me arriving by 8:00AM every day. I may utilize “do not disturb” later, and I’ll be sure to update you if/when I do.
Employer: “Now is there anything that might get in the way of you being here by 8AM everyday? Is there anything you need from me to help you follow through on your end?
Joe: “Well, when you send emails early in the morning marked “URGENT” I feel compelled to get on them immediately while I’m still home. What am I to do with those?”
Employer: “Let me clarify more. I want you to refrain from logging into your email while at home; wait until you get to the office. If there is ever a true emergency, I’ll call you on the phone. Otherwise, even email marked URGENT can wait until you’re at the office. Does that work for you?
Joe: “Yes, that works for me.”
Employer: “Great. Please tell me exactly what you understand we are agreeing to today.”
Joe: ”We are agreeing that I will refrain from logging into email while at home and that I will arrive at the office by 8AM M-F so that I can handle email before my staff arrive at 9AM. If I decide to employ some “do not disturb” blocks of time in my schedule I will notify you before doing so. If there is a true emergency on your part, you will call me on the phone.”
Employer: Great, we are agreed and on the same page. We’re almost done.
THE CONTINGENCY AGREEMENTS
Employer: Lastly, I’d like to make an agreement that in the rare event something unforeseeable gets in your way from what we’ve just agreed to, you will call me directly by phone (not email or text) as soon as you become aware of it. If I don’t answer, leave a voicemail. By rare event, I mean this won’t happen more than once or twice a year.
If you do not call, or if these events happen more than twice a year, I will see that as an indicator that this management position is not the right fit for you and we’ll look at other options for your employment here, which may or may not continue. Does that work for you, and what questions does that bring up for you?
Joe: Yes, that works. I will call you by phone, and leave a voicemail if you don’t answer, when an unforeseen obstacle prevents me from being at the office by 8AM. And if I’m being responsible, this scenario should not take place more than twice a year. If I don’t hold up my end of this agreement, I will be removed from my management position and there is no guarantee that you’ll offer me another position. Did I get that right?
Employer: Yes, you’ve got it. We have an agreement.
One thing that will make or break any agreement is the integrity of the participants to honor the agreement. Without integrity, agreements don’t work.
As you practice creating agreements, and become more skilled at it, you will begin to see patterns and characteristics of people that do and don’t live from a commitment to integrity. It will help you identify agreement keepers and agreement breakers. Pay attention.
Repeatedly making agreements with agreement breakers is disastrous. Find the agreement keepers and build great things together.
Use today’s guide not only to train yourself but everyone in your world to operate by agreement. Refer to it as often as necessary to practice, refine, and master agreements that work. You’ll be glad you did.
May you prosper in every way!
Becky & TPL Team
52 Maxims of Conscious Choosing To Create the Deeply Satisfying Life You Desire.