SAY GOODBYE TO MR. NICE GUY
He’s Killing Your Leadership
3-Minute Read
Early in his career, A Beautiful Mind producer Brian Grazer got a wake-up call from Hollywood exec Deanne Barkley. After a meeting, she pulled him aside and said, “People think you exaggerate. They think you’re lying and that’s why no one follows up.”
Her blunt honesty hit hard, but Grazer didn’t flinch. He took it in, adjusted how he communicated, and rebuilt trust in his professional relationships. That single moment of radical candor, he says, shifted everything, becoming a catalyst for the global success that followed.
For Brian, Deanne Barkley wasn’t nice; she was kind.
Too often, we think being nice is the virtue. But in reality, niceness is self-protective. Kindness is service. Niceness avoids discomfort. Kindness creates transformation.
This week in The Grip, we’re distinguishing between these two—and why the people you lead (and love) aren’t craving more “pleasantness.” They’re craving your honesty. Your clarity. Your courageous care.
Because niceness is the death of growth, and kindness will generate the impact you’re here to make.
Let’s dive in.
nice vs. kind—who are you serving?
Brené Brown says it simply: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Every moment of leadership offers a choice: Will you serve the higher self or the lower one?
The lower self avoids discomfort; it is expressed in the excuses, reasons, mediocrity, and fear we use to justify playing small in life. The higher self embraces discomfort; it is expressed in the creativity, possibility, power, and courage we use to actualize who we’re capable of being in life.
Niceness often prioritizes your comfort over someone else’s growth; it holds back the truth when the truth is difficult to say or do. It is a covert way to avoid your discomfort at the possibility of others getting upset. In the name of sparing others’ feelings, niceness is a cover for sparing your own and lying to yourself about it.
In contrast, kindness is forthright with the truth, even when the truth is difficult to say or do. It is a stand for how powerful others actually are and the greatness they are capable of in life, regardless of whether they get upset or you get uncomfortable.
Ultimately, kindness is truth-telling rooted in care, while niceness is emotional self-protection disguised as virtue. Notice the difference:
NICE
Insincere
Self-protective
Manipulative
Avoidant
Ineffective
Emotionally dishonest
Vague
Hesitant
People-pleasing
Performative
KIND
Sincere
Generous
Respectful
Direct
Empowering
Honest
Clear
Courageous
Caring
Gracious
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Nice Vs. Kind In Leadership
Ever left a meeting only to discover spinach in your teeth from lunch—and realize no one said a thing? You don’t feel “cared for.” You feel… betrayed.
That’s what niceness does. It keeps quiet to stay safe. Kindness speaks up to serve. One erodes trust while the other builds it.
Here’s how that difference plays out in real leadership:
Nice avoids giving feedback to be liked.
→ Kind delivers feedback that builds someone’s future.
Nice goes along to avoid tension.
→ Kind makes waves when useful.
Nice sugarcoats problems.
→ Kind deals with reality so everyone can grow.
Nice hesitates.
→ Kind is courageous.
The people you lead don’t need another “friendly.” They need someone who sees them clearly—and loves them enough to tell the truth.
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Being Kindness
There’s a principle in Eastern wisdom that says, “What you do to others, you do to yourself.”
Kindness isn’t something you perform; it’s who you become. This is deeper than action. It’s the source of action. You are kindness in motion; living-kindness. Your demonstration of kindness toward others leaves you embodying kindness in every fiber of your being.
This week, reflect: “What kindness is missing from my work, home, or community, and how will I create it?”
Where am I protecting myself with niceness?
What conversation needs kindness instead?
Where does my silence keep someone stuck?
One of my favorite moments in coaching (and friendship) is when I a hear a groan followed by, “I hate you,” right after I’ve been straight and honest with someone. I smile because I know what that means. “I hate you” is just code for, “Thank you for saying what no one else would.”
If you want to serve with real power, stop being nice. Be kind.
The world doesn’t need more pleasantries. It needs more people who are clear, honest, and courageous enough to help others rise.
Be the catalyst to help others step into the greatness they’re capable of.
Keep creating!
key takeaways
What’s the difference between niceness and kindness in leadership?
Niceness avoids discomfort and prioritizes being liked; kindness speaks the truth to empower growth, even when it’s hard.
Why is niceness dangerous for leaders?
Niceness is emotionally dishonest, trust-eroding, and ineffective; it’s self-protection disguised as care.
What does real kindness look like in leadership?
It’s clear, direct, courageous, and caring. It fuels transformation, not comfort.
May you prosper in every way!
Becky & TPL Team
52 Maxims of Conscious Choosing To Create the Deeply Satisfying Life You Desire.